Photo Credit: Gabifresh.com
I can never remember a time when I was slim. There were moments, of course. My angular face – devoid of chub around the cheeks – peers back at me in singular photographs. I was thin between the ages of one and eight. I was smaller at 17, 18 and 19. I dropped some pounds at 21. But slimness was never permanent. Asthmatic steroids stripped me of my thin dreams before I ever knew what thin was, or how much it’s idealized in American culture.
I was nine when my body expanded, my breasts appeared and my stretch marks surfaced. To combat this sudden spurt of pubescence, my parents told me daily that I was beautiful and deserving of love. I’ve ingested the idea that I was a beauty in the eyes of all beholders, no matter how much weight I gain and lose. I’ve maintained high self-esteem and confidence, even as I continue to fluctuate in weight, but there was still a time when I dreaded the dawn of summer on the horizon.
The warmth of summer meant trips to the beach, the pool, water parks and other places where I couldn’t hide my imperfections under flattering clothing. Summer means less clothing, and I was mortified by the idea of donning a two-piece swimsuit. It’s one thing to wear cropped tops and mini-shorts; those revealing items can be paired with looser garments to give an illusion. Two-piece swimsuits offered me no shelter. The sun rays reveal the flab, cellulite and stretch marks, which embarrassed me on beaches packed with ideal bodies.
(Above: Christina & her friend Kamaria at Coachella 2013 in their fatkinis)
I used to cover-up on the beach. I’d wear a one-piece layered under a comfy swim dress, and I’d only peel the dress off when I was steps away from the pool or ocean. Though I was tired of hiding at the beach, I didn’t have the confidence to make a different choice. Gabi Gregg, creator of style blog Gabi Fresh, changed all of that for me last summer.
Related: Beautiful In My Own Skin
It was 2012 when Gabi stepped out in Las Vegas in a striped two-piece. She looked so comfortable and chic, posing as if she were wearing a flowing tunic or another garment I’ve used to camouflage my mid-section. I can remember being astounded by her confidence. Gabi was in a two-piece and sharing it with her readers and the general public. Yet, I was still hiding when I headed to the lakes of Minnesota that summer.
I hadn’t found the confident stride I needed to strut on a beach in a two-piece with no shame or pause. I found that peace in 2013 when Gabi joined forces with Swimsuits for All to produce a line of two-pieces swimsuits for women of size, which have been dubbed fatkinis. The fatkini was affordable, cute and built for women with a little extra in the middle. I bought the neon-green fatkini and forced myself to wear it.
I was nervous when I first donned it on the first day on a cruise to Key West, Florida and Cozumel, Mexico, but I was able to push the negative thoughts aside to allow the positive reinforcement I was raised with to emerge. Instead of wondering if people were taking sneak pictures of me as I tanned beside the cruise’s pool, I closed my eyes and reassured myself. “You are beautiful. You are loved. You are confident. Nobody can take that away from you.”
Related: Don’t Believe the Hype
Wearing and being comfortable in a fatkini reminded me that women of size have every right to flaunt our bodies. We have no reason to be ashamed, even when the entire world tells us we’re unhealthy and unworthy of happiness.
When women of size like me wear fatkinis we are offering brazen shove to a fat-shaming culture that devalues our bodies when we display them without shame. Plus, women of size no longer have to don unattractive swimsuits that aim to hide our bodies instead of celebrating them. We’re no longer limited to a few, unattractive options. Designers like Monif C. and retailers like Forever 21 and H&M sell gorgeous fatkinis, and continue expanding on their collections every summer. See Christina wearing her favorite two-piece below:
The weather is warming again, and I’m excited for the first time in a long time. I will head to the beach in another dope fatkini, and I hope other women of size will join in this revolutionary movement. We deserve it.
Will you be wearing a fatkini this summer?
Photos courtesy of Gabi Fresh & Monif C
OMG I LOVE this post Christina! You really shared how you felt throughout the years. I can definitely relate to some of your story. When I weighed more I stayed looking at “fatkinis” and sooo admired those women who had the confidence. I started to build confidence but then I didn’t really know how to dress properly. I think you look absolutely adorbs in your bikini as well as the other ladies you posted. I think all women of all sizes should feel free to wear what they want. There is nothing like feeling sexy in a bikini regardless of size!